The Constance In My Life!!!!!
First and foremost Happy New Year to All!!!!
This will be my first blog of the New Year and I am so excited. It will speak about the constant things in my life, the people who are constant, the struggles, the tears, the laughs, and how I will go on. You can not talk about the things that are constant without talking about the things that are wavering, sporadic, and changeable. As long as I can remember my mind has been a constant thing in my life, yes it may have had some wavering moments when I was in my teens and young adulthood but my mind has taught me to trust in it. My mind has taught me that if you allow it to play tricks on you it will; taking every advantage of you consuming every inch of your life causing you to make a life or death decision. The mind, yes the Constance thing in my life, loving me all alone pushing me to the brink of death; one wall closing in, darkness around me voices in my head, this is the Constance in my life.
My husband, children, dad, mother-in-law and in family, my pain, and one best friend are the best Constance in my life. They are there for me when I fall whether it’s physically or mentally. they are there for me and I for them, teaching, encouraging, praying, listening, talking, and loving on one another; this is my Constance.
As there are Constance there are the wavering and changeable components of my family that one wish didn’t exists, mines would be my very own blood mother, sister, and brothers; its as if I was trotted out in the pastures as the blackest sheep of all sheep, left without a sheep hurdler left to roam wildly and blindly, left to fall off a cliff . But thanks to the Constance of Faith and the belief of Jesus Christ my Lord and Savior he has not forgotten about me out there on that cliff, out there roaming wildly and blind. He did not leave me or forsake me. Jesus has always been there for me even when I was out in the clubs, drinking, and having a non Godly heart to others. But thanks to the Constance of the people in my life that God has sent I am a new person. I have a new look towards life, a new mindset, a mind that has no darkness, just sunshine even on my darkest day with the most pain, I still have joy and peace. I believe in the things I can not see, I speak great things into my life for i know that they will past for Jesus said so. I am a believer in the Lord Jesus Christ and that’s a constant thing in my life. Being that believing in him is a Constance then rebuking the enemy is on my list everyday as a constant job because he can not win this battle against me nor my family.
I use to think that it was sad to know that the love from your mother wouldn’t be a Constance in my life; now I have peace on the situation, I feel free. I finally had to face the demons that were lurking inside that was telling me over and over again that “she doesn’t love you because you are different maybe you should submit to her, then and only then she will love you”. The Constance thing about my mom is that she is my mother by blood and that will never change. Another Constance is that she gave birth to me, she may love me but it is obviously clear that she doesn’t like me. This is something that I will never wish on my daughter. I constantly tell my children that they are beautiful, that they can become whatever they want to become, that they are intelligent, and that I want them to be better than dad and I am.
A true healing in a family begins when that individual that is hurting seeks some kind of spiritual faith or guidance; finding that Constance and learning to forgive themselves and loving themselves first, before approaching the one that has hurt them or the thing that has caused the hurt. My life has been a big roller coaster of ups and downs, but through it all I have hung in there and I am glad I did. It is hard to live knowing you have a sister and not being able to say hello or see ya later to her because SHE chooses to. That use to bring so much pain in my heart, but now I pray and have put that situation in God’s hands because I can not do his job. I find it ridiculous how one women (my mom) can have so much control over her children that they choose to neglect the fact they have a sister (me). I was so desperately seeking to have the family together not torn apart; and for this am the black sheep, that’s the Constance in my life through many family members eyes.
The Constance in my life is my husband, children, dad (such a wonderful man), mother-in-law, in law family, my pain, and one best friend. The wavering, sporadic, and changeable people and things are the fly by night friends; here one day gone two months from now. People say they are proud of your accomplishments…..they aren’t!!! They sit back and wonder how they can come up with something more grander to make themselves look better, instead of really being proud of you. when your friend or family gets bless that mean your blessing is not too far behind just keep doing what God would have you do. You have to remember God reigns on the just as well as the unjust just trust in him, besides jealousy and envy is a sin.
The pain that I endure everyday is a Constance in my life. Living with Fibromyalgia has been a boisterous journey. I have been living with this for many years along with chronic back pain for over nineteen years, along with depression, torn rotator cuff, asthma, CTS, and other aliments. Some days are livable and some aren’t I will never wish this on anyone; guess what there are people who are worst off than myself such as different cancers. But you have some that create false worries to themselves making themselves sick, thinking they have multiple disease surrounding fibromyalgia. The mind is filled with ammunition loaded and ready to fire lies, false worries, guilt, shame, and depression. Seeking out professional help doesn’t make you weak it make you strong, because you made that first step having courage to admit you don’t want to live your life-like four walls closing in getting smaller. I laugh a lot in my life because life is too short to spend it crying all the time, do I cry? Yes, sometimes but not as much as I did in the beginning because I know now this Constance will not be forever. Living with Fibromyalgia is a struggle because you see yourself in a whole different light. You see yourself as a the debilitated vessel, that use to be full of life now you can barely get out the bed; getting out the bed takes much effort. The people who depended on you are now performing role reversal and you are depending on them; kids and all. I say this fibromyalgia has not had the last word, all it has done is made me more determine for myself, my family, and my love ones that has pass and are looking down on me wishing me the best. I will push on as long as I have breath in this vessel. I will continue to scratch things off my buck list while living my life not the one my mom wants me to live but the one I want to live. Do I think am better than anyone else? No that’s the impression my mother has of me, my life and mind is clear and free; I sleep better at night knowing this. Fibromyalgia the nasty Constance, my family the great Constance, my mom,sister, brothers the wavering, sporadic, and changeable unit, MY FAITH Constance,
Fibromyalgia Hasn’t & Will Not Beat Me!!!!!
Keep on Bogging………